Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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