everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I touched a dick in church today
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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