Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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