i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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