dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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