The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
