good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
this beer tastes like vomit already
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
