My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
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How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
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i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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