I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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