Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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