I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
