She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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