I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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