All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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