Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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