I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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