i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
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I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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