No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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