Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
