Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
