Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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