for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
