I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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