Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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