just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
