Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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