I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
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The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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