Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
