he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
