Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
