You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize