I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
