Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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