I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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