fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
how do flat chested girls get laid?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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