Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
