Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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