apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
