i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
