I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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