Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
