you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You pole danced in your parka.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
