id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
