I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
