i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm getting married
To pizza
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
