i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
