end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
