I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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