he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
