i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
