I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
