i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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