I will die if light touches me.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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