Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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