id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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