I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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