He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
im six kinds of drunk right now
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
