i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
