you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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