R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
