Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
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Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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