there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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