I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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