He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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