I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
